What If “Perfect” Isn’t the End Goal? The Truth About Perfectionism
You know that saying, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”? For people who are used to putting 120% into everything they do, it feels like their entire way of living is built on this very belief. After all, their perfectionism has carried them to high achievements, respect from peers, a career they’re proud of… the list goes on and on.
But if you’re here reading this blog, there’s probably another truth you’ve been sitting with - which is no matter how many milestones you hit, it never feels like it’s enough. The relentless need to perfect every tiny detail has started to feel less like a strength and more like a heavy weight pulling you down.
At Soultality Psychotherapy in Boston, MA, we see this all the time with successful high achievers. And the shocking truth is perfectionism isn’t actually about striving for excellence because it’s rooted in fear. Fear of failure, fear of being “found out,” and fear of what happens if you let go of an ounce of control.
There is some good news here - you don’t have to keep letting your drive or ambition keep you from a life you want to live. Today, we’ll be exploring why perfectionism feels so hard to shake and how you can start making space for self-compassion, flexibility, and freedom.
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism often gets mistaken for having high standards, but in reality, it’s a coping mechanism. For many high achievers, perfectionism is a way to avoid failure. Or, more specifically, the fear of failure.
It’s the voice inside your head that says, “If I don’t double-check this report 10 times, I’ll miss something, and people will think I’m incompetent.” Or, “If I don’t handle every tiny detail myself before leaving for this trip, everything will fall apart.”
(If you feel seen right now, keep reading)
This mindset might have gotten you far in life, but even though perfectionism feels like it’s helping, it’s actually holding you back. The constant self-criticism, black-and-white thinking, and inability to leave anything unfinished leads to consequences like burnout, strained relationships, and, ironically, less fulfillment in the areas you’ve worked so hard to excel in.
The first step to overcoming perfectionism? Understanding where it comes from and how it shows up in your life.
How Perfectionism Shows Up in Your Day-to-Day
Perfectionism doesn’t just show up in big, high-stakes moments like most people would think. It’s woven into the small, everyday behaviors that keep you stuck in a cycle of anxiety, overthinking, and stress. Here’s what it might look like:
Double-checking and redoing work: Whether it’s a presentation or a simple email, you can’t let it go until it’s flawless (or as close to flawless as possible)
Avoiding delegation: You’d rather do everything yourself because trusting someone else feels risky. What if they mess it up, and the failure falls back on you?
Overworking: You tell yourself you’ll relax once everything is “done,” but somehow, the list never ends.
At first glance, these habits seem like they’re helping you maintain high standards. But in reality, they’re draining your energy, keeping you stuck in a constant state of stress, and preventing you from enjoying the life you’ve worked so hard for. Plus, when you always put 120% into every aspect of your life, it becomes your identity, which is pretty hard to let go of.
Practical Steps to Loosen Perfectionism’s Grip
If perfectionism and going above and beyond all the time has been your default setting for years, it can feel very vulnerable to try something different. We see this often with high-achieving people who have used perfectionism to propel them forward. But we’ve got a secret for you: the world won’t burn down if you loosen up for a moment.
The best way to create any sort of change is to start small. Right now your mind and nervous system are used to always pushing the boundaries. So, if you were in our office asking us what you can do this week to start overcoming your thirst for perfectionism, we would tell you to try leaving a task unfinished for a day. Or maybe it could also look like delegating one thing to a coworker or partner, even if they don’t do it exactly the way you would.
You can also experiment with “good enough” in a low-stakes area of your life. For example, let yourself vacuum without finding ten other chores to do, or leave the house without triple-checking every detail of your outfit.
When we see our patients let themselves put in 20% less effort, they realize they are just as successful as before and way happier. The more you practice letting go, the more you’ll realize that life doesn’t fall apart when you allow for some breathing room. Plus, you’ll free up your energy for the things that truly make you happy.
The Role of Self-Compassion (No, It’s Not “Being Lazy”)
We know what you’re thinking - self-compassion? Cue the virtual eye roll. But here’s the thing. Self-compassion isn’t about letting things slide or allowing yourself to be lazy. It’s about recognizing that you are, in fact, a human being, and giving yourself the same kindness you’d offer to anyone else who’s struggling isn’t a bad thing.
And trust us, it’s the piece that ties everything together when it comes to breaking free from perfectionism. You can literally do all of the other work, but without learning how to rewire your inner thoughts to yourself, it won’t be sustainable.
Think about it this way. If you picture a child in soccer practice, which form of communication would they respond best to? The parent cheering them on and telling them over and over again that they CAN do it, or the parent who’s berating their kid and constantly yelling at them to do better?
Nobody likes being yelled at. And yet, that’s exactly what perfectionism makes us do to ourselves. It constantly criticizes and punishes us for trying our best, making it harder to feel like it’s okay to grow and thrive.
Self-compassion means telling yourself, “Okay, that didn’t go perfectly, but I’m proud of myself for trying my best. What can I do next time so I can be successful?” It’s the willingness to recognize that you’re human, to acknowledge what didn’t work while giving yourself space to grow.
Next time you feel yourself talking negatively about yourself, try to pause that thought and imagine what you would say to a good friend in your exact situation. We can bet it would be much more positive than what you were about to tell yourself.
Self-compassion isn’t always natural or easy to practice. But after time, you’ll find that you can train your brain to be on your side and be your biggest cheerleader. When mistakes happen (and it’s okay!), your brain will start meeting you with more kindness and encouragement, making perfectionism’s grip less and less over time.
Contact Soultality Center For Psychotherapy in Cambridge, MA Today
Perfectionism might feel like it’s helping you succeed, but if it’s leaving you stressed, unhappy, and stuck, it’s time to try a new approach.
You don’t have to let go of your ambition to let go of perfectionism. By practicing self-compassion, loosening your grip on control, and allowing yourself to embrace “good enough,” you can create space for a life that feels balanced, meaningful, and yours.
At Soultality, we specialize in helping high achievers like you break free from the patterns that no longer serve them. Let’s work together to create a life that feels as good as it looks.
Want to learn more about a work-life balance that actually works for high achievers? Check out our other blog post here.