Understanding the Intersection of OCD & Grief
Grief is never easy. It’s messy, complicated, and deeply personal. But when you have OCD, the grieving process can feel even more overwhelming than it already is. Whether you’re grieving the loss of someone important, the impact OCD has had on your life, or even the life you could have lived had you been diagnosed earlier, grief and OCD have a way of feeding into each other that can really hijack the grieving process.
At Soultality, we see how OCD can affect the grieving process for our patients and want to help people understand the complex relationship between OCD and grief. Today, we’ll be talking about why it takes so long for an OCD diagnosis, how grief and OCD intersect, and what you can do today to start moving forward with self-compassion and kindness towards yourself.
Did You Know it Takes an Average of 17 Years to Get an OCD Diagnosis?
As therapists, that number is still shocking to us, but not entirely surprising. It’s very common for OCD to be misdiagnosed at different points in life due to the complex nature of it. And most of the time, the misdiagnosis does explain the majority of the symptoms we’re seeing because of the OCD. However, the problem with getting misdiagnosed is that OCD can exacerbate and evolve over time if it’s not treated properly initially.
OCD is commonly misdiagnosed as:
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
Depression
Attention Deficit & Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
Eating Disorders
Of these other diagnoses, GAD is the most common to be misdiagnosed for OCD. And while some of the treatments are similar, some of it is very different. Many treatments for GAD are based on the appraisal model, which encourages interventions (such as cognitive restructuring) that can make OCD symptoms worse.
As a psychotherapy center in Boston, MA, that specializes in OCD, anxiety, and related disorders, we see patients who have put in the work with their previous diagnosis, but they still felt like something wasn’t right. When we get down to the root of it all and diagnose them with OCD, it’s both a relief and heartbreaking at the same time.
Coping with a New OCD Diagnosis
Getting an OCD diagnosis after years of uncertainty can feel like a mixed bag of emotions. On the one hand, it finally gives you clarity about your life and allows you to start specific treatments designed for OCD patients. On the other hand, it brings up deep feelings of grief over what life might have been like had you been diagnosed earlier.
Many patients tell us that they feel like they’ve lost so much time because of their OCD that if they had been diagnosed earlier, they would have made decisions so differently. Sometimes, they feel like they don’t even know who they are without their OCD running the show.
“How different would my life have been if I had the right diagnosis earlier?”
“Is there something I should have done with my first therapist that would have pointed more towards an OCD diagnosis?”
“Would I have pursued different relationships, jobs, or passions?”
“Have I lost too much time to ever catch up?”
This here is grief in its own form, and it’s completely valid to feel sadness, frustration, or even anger over what you’ve gone through.
But while it’s important to honor these emotions, it’s just as important to remember that you are still in charge of your journey. Your diagnosis is not an ending; it’s a beginning. It means you now have the tools, understanding, and support you need to move forward in a way that aligns with the life you want to build!
How OCD Hijaks the Grieving Process
We feel as therapists, that it’s equally important to share not just how a new OCD diagnosis affects patients but also how OCD operates during the grieving process. Grief is already hard enough. But when OCD enters the picture, it turns grief into a constant mental debate. Instead of just feeling their emotions, people with OCD may find themselves analyzing, questioning, and second-guessing every single part of how they’re grieving.
What OCD may sound like during times of grief:
“Am I grieving enough? Shouldn’t I be crying more?"
“What if I’m not feeling sad the ‘right’ way?”
“Did I really love them enough if I’m not as upset as I thought I’d be?”
“Have I been grieving too long? Shouldn’t I be moving on by now?”
This obsessive questioning and analyzing takes away from the natural grieving process and turns it into something that needs to be perfected. The truth is, grief has no rulebook. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to mourn. But when OCD is thrown into the mix, it will try to convince you otherwise, making you feel like somehow you’re failing at something that doesn’t even have a clear definition.
If this sounds all too familiar, please know that you are not alone, and your feelings are valid.
Tools We Recommend for Managing OCD & Grief
Navigating grief while managing OCD can feel like a balancing act. Your mind might be stuck in loops of doubt, analyzing every feeling, thought, or reaction, making it difficult to grieve in a natural way.
The good news? There are evidence-based tools that can help.
Name & Validate Your Feelings
Grief is messy. It doesn’t always show up how we expect. Combined with OCD, it can make people obsess over whether they’re grieving correctly, feeling the right things while grieving, or even analyzing if they’re somehow failing at grieving.
Something we have our patients do is to name their feelings out loud without judgment. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up, be it anger, sadness, relief, or confusion. Remind yourself that there is NO right or wrong way to grieve.
Shift Your “What If?” Feelings to “What Now?”
It’s natural to mourn the past, but staying stuck in this place of regret and resentment won’t change what has already happened. We find that when patients start focusing on what they can do TODAY rather than ruminating on what could have been, it really helps change their perspective.
It’s important to note that OCD thrives on rumination. And while it’s tempting to relive the past and what could have been, the reality is that you are here now with new knowledge, new support, and the opportunity to make new changes for your future.
Seek Exposure & Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy
ERP is one of the top behavior therapies for people with OCD. ERP, with the help of a licensed therapist, helps you gradually face situations that trigger compulsive behaviors while also allowing patients to learn how to tolerate uncertainty without engaging in their compulsions. ERP has been shown to be incredibly effective and has long-lasting effects on people with OCD.
Connect With Others Who Understand
Grief and OCD can feel isolating, but when you connect with others who have gone through similar experiences, they can help validate your feelings and normalize the way you feel. Finding a support group has been incredibly helpful for our patients, which is why we have several group programs specifically designed for those navigating OCD and grief.
Finding Your New Path Forward
If you’re grieving your past, questioning your present, or feeling lost in obsessive thoughts about grief itself, we want you to know that your experiences and journey are valid.
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean minimizing what you’ve been through. It simply means allowing yourself to honor your experiences while still making room for the life you’re living today.
At Soultality, we see you. We understand the deep interconnectedness of OCD and grief, and we’re here to help you process, heal, and move forward on your own terms.
Are you ready to start therapy? Schedule a call with one of our therapists and learn more about how we can help you.